three little fingers
10:25:00 AM
My pregnancy with Jeremiah was fairly
uneventful (in the best way possible). There weren't any known
complications, our baby was growing like he should (and then some).
All the ultrasounds, blood samples, and necessary tests came back
clean. I didn't get sick and I didn't have problems sleeping. I was
uncomfortable, like most pregnant women are. I got really bad
back pain, some occasional, obnoxious heartburn, but all in all, I
had a very nice pregnancy.
Every now and then, though, I would
feel like there was something different/special/unique about the
sweet baby I was carrying. Initially I brushed it off, thinking that
all parents-to-be must feel that way. The more tests and ultrasounds
we had, the more sure I became that it was just in my head. Kory and
I discussed these feelings to some extent but not at great length. We
would talk hypothetically about all the things that might not be
detected on an ultrasound or that might not show up in the blood
work. We weren't worried about it – our discussions were always
very calm and not even necessarily in reference to my pregnancy
specifically.
Just after Jeremiah was born, he was
whisked away by the respiratory specialist because of some unexpected
complications we had during the delivery. Kory went along with our
sweet boy and it wasn't until then that I heard him ask, “does his
left hand only have three fingers?” I can't fully describe my
thoughts at that moment. My mind was totally blank, in a peaceful
way. It didn't phase me at all, it felt bizarrely normal. I remember
not wanting to ask about it or confirm what Kory said because I
didn't want to seem scared or upset because I wasn't. It felt right.
Finally I asked my mom “did they say his left hand only has three
fingers?” “yeah but its okay!” At this point I was sobbing –
happy tears from finally bringing this sweet baby into the world - “I
know, I don't care!” I went through several emotions in just
seconds. At first, I felt completely at peace. Then, I felt a wave of
adversity and self-doubt. I wondered if I did something wrong –
maybe I had forgotten to take my prenatal vitamin one day or maybe it
was because of my heart-shaped uterus. Those thoughts passed through
my mind in a matter of seconds – no more than three or four – I
recognized they were unproductive and then I was back to feeling
completely at peace and ultimately, relieved. I knew this was part of
what made our sweet boy so special. Jeremiah was born with just three
fingers on his left hand (and they are the cutest little fingers you
have ever seen). It never showed up in any of the ultrasounds and
after days of tests and x-rays they told us there wasn't necessarily
a cause. The doctors entertained a few explanations and finally
concluded that the other fingers simply didn't form. There was no
genetic predisposition, no deformity, no disorder – it was simply
how his hand was meant to form. The days in the hospital were
difficult but lovely. I knew almost immediately that Jeremiah's hand
was meant to be that way, I felt so at peace. Kory shared the same feelings but was still
worried - about how it would affect him in school, about how it could
potentially hinder him or change his life. After about a day passed, the worries lessened and confidence and peace increased. Any of our concerns stemmed from our great love for our little boy. Kory
and I talked about his hand and our feelings often and several times
we talked about how happy we were that we decided to name our sweet
boy what we did. When I was pregnant, I was particularly worried
about knowing what to name our baby. We fasted and prayed often to
know what to name him and thought of Jeremiah – a name that was
never on our name-radar before. After he was born, we were so pleased
with his name and felt that we had chosen a strong, special name for
a very special boy.
In the weeks since Jeremiah's birth,
we've felt strongly that his hand is an integral and special part of
who he is. That doesn't mean it is always easy, or that we don't ever
worry or wonder about how it might affect him. But we feel at peace.
And above all else, we feel so privileged and blessed and humbled to
be the parents to such a sweet boy – we feel how special and loved
he is on a daily basis. We are beyond thrilled to finally have him
here. Our home and our hearts have never felt so whole.
10 comments
He is beautiful Mallory!
ReplyDeleteA beautiful tribute to a beautiful boy!!!
ReplyDeleteHe is beautiful!! Congratulations!!
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! A very special little miracle.
ReplyDeleteSOO soo very beautiful. Your family is blessed
ReplyDeleteOk cutest thing ever! And you are a good writer. Good mama!
ReplyDeleteThat was so beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I LOVE his sweet little hand....i can tell you guys are great parents and he is adorable, can't wait to meet him!!!
ReplyDeleteOne, he's adorable! Two, those ARE very cute little fingers...all 8 of them! And don't pitchers throw certain pitches with 3 fingers? Maybe baby boy will be an athlete!
ReplyDeleteSweetest hand ever. Thank you for sharing. So beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThat is the cutest little hand I've ever seen! Such a sweet story!
ReplyDelete